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  • Jalima Cook

Shoulda... Coulda... Woulda... (Part 1)

Updated: Jan 25, 2020

I always get excited this time of year – IT’S FALL! And what better season than Fall to enjoy the BEST flavor ever put in coffee – PUMPKIN SPICE! OH EM GEE! It is just fabulous!! Sipping on a warm cup of pumpkin spice coffee and that perfect fall scarf wrapped around your neck is THEE BEST feeling EVER! I sat at my kitchen counter flipping through my latest addiction– PINTEREST! It was my very rambunctious 2-year old’s nap time and I needed this mental break. My latest board: FALL! I tend to find myself escaping and day dreaming during these rare quiet moments so I can strategically design my home for the Fall. Decorations, activities for my kiddos and OF COURSE- CUTE.FALL. OUTFITS!!! Ohhhh I just love it. I love it so much that I realized today how this is probably the biggest escape I will have for a while. Life has been so crazy lately that the 6 letter word was likely not going to be a reality for a while. I started to feel myself slipping into a slump where I find myself saying my infamous statement, “God if I knew THEN what I know NOW, I never would’ve (fill in the blank with my current frustration).” How many of us experience this? We are just so frustrated with the current place we’re in that we start having those “Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda” moments with God. I shoulda did this. I coulda did that. I woulda did this {BEFORE YOU MURDER MY ENGLISH HERE… I HAVE A DEGREE IN ENGLISH SO I HAVE PERMISSION TO BREAK THE RULES…*LAUGH*}.

See… over the past year I had a near death encounter that literally scared me so bad I was convinced my life was over. I was in a place I had never been. When I arrived at the hospital I was in a state where I could barely talk. The nurses had to contact my husband and speak on my behalf. After 3 days in the hospital the doctors concluded that the root of everything was stress. Stress rooted in my inability to control or fix all that was wrong around me. I was hurt. I was angry. I was disappointed. I felt rejected. I felt like a failure. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I felt… I felt… I felt… I… I … I. I did not know what to do. My Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda did not matter. My “God if I only knew” statement did not matter! I needed God like never before. Because I was sincerely trying my hardest. My husband was trying his hardest. My kids were trying their hardest. BUT NOTHING WAS ENOUGH. NOTHING WAS FIXING ANYTHING! Where was my escape? Where was our escape?

I yelled at God, “I did not ask for THIS! I did not ask to feel like THIS! THIS SUCKS!”

After my explosion I just sat down. Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda still running through my head. “If I only knew” still playing back in my head. Pinterest was not going to help me right now. My pumpkin spice coffee was cold now and my 2-year old would be up soon. My hospital scare was 3 months ago so why am I still hurting? Then it clicked. Yes it was 3 months ago but you’re here 3 months later. Yes you shoulda died, but you didn’t. Yes you coulda got to the hospital too late, but you didn’t. Yes you woulda did it your way, but God did it His way! God does not operate like Pinterest. We don’t pick and choose our story made up of the things we love the most. We live out our story with God, who created the story! We don’t go shopping for our story. We don’t “pin” our story. So though we face trials in life, God already knows our life's pinboard and knows exactly how to piece each part of it together.

Now I needed to properly equip myself to apply this revelation to ALL areas in my life. Stay tuned for Part 2… see you Wednesday!

love, jalima

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